Book Excerpts Book; 1

Pelican

Whilst working in the Out Patients Department at Kings Mill Hospital I was taking a history from a rather quietly spoken patient who had a glass eye. I introduced him to the Consultant as “Mr. S. who had lost his eye as a child when he was attacked by a Pelican”. “Sorry to interrupt, Nurse” said Mr. S. “But it was with a pellet gun. We don’t get many Pelicans in Warsop”

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Nativity

When our daughter Rebecca was 4 years old she told us that she was going to be a pincushion in her school Concert. I measured her up ready to buy some brightly coloured, fluffy material which I was going to hem into a square and leave her arms and head sticking out. I’m glad I didn’t make it until I asked the Teacher what colour to use? It turned out that Rebecca wasn’t as she’d told me: “a pincushion” – but in the percussion!

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Malapropisms

Aren’t Grandmothers a wonderful invention? And isn’t it difficult to look them in the eye when they say daft things?

I’ll always remember my Nana telling me about "in the olden days" when the Betterware Man used to bring samples in his van and she’d; “ordered a roll of lino for her back passage”.

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Wedding Car

We were viewing a classic car and I remarked about the doors being very rounded and narrow. The Chauffeur said, “Do you think you’ll get your big hat in there?” Being deaf, as well as daft, I thought he’d said; “Do you think you’ll get your big ass in there?” I told him that because of his rudeness I’d go elsewhere and left. Why do your ‘loved ones’ always wait until several hours later to tell you what had actually been said?

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From The Mouths Of Babes......

When Rebecca was 3 years old we took her to see a house that we were going to buy. Whilst I was measuring up for the curtains I overheard her tell the lady of the house; “My Mum says that this house is a pig hole now – but we’re going to make it nice”. Bless her; I could have crawled out of there with embarrassment.

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Turnips

Whilst driving one beautiful summers day I saw a man sweating (and swearing) profusely whilst re-loading vegetables that had fallen off his tractor-trailer. I said to him: “Cheer up; I’ll help you to pick all your turnips up – if you give me one for my dinner”.

We spent a very companionable hour chatting and picking them all up. As I said goodbye he said to me: “Don’t forget your turnip, I hope that you enjoy it”.

When I got home and regaled my tale to Tony he took great pleasure in informing me that it was in fact - a sugar beet!

Book Excerpts Book; 2

Matron’s Faux Pas

At an Open Day at Kings Mill Hospital Tony was manning our ‘Hook-a-Duck’ stall in the Education Centre. The delightful Manager Sharon Jackson asked Tony; “Have you had many Hookers?”

Tony said that she was simply mortified and blushed furiously once she realised what she’d inadvertently said!

Better still, I was helping to organise the queue for the TV celebrity Richard McCourt – better known as Dick of ‘Dick & Dom in Da Bungalow’ fame. I spent the day asking people;

“Excuse me, are you wanting a Guided Tour around the Hospital – or are you queuing for Dick?”

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Canine Health Scare

We got up one morning and Ralph, our Yorkshire Terrier, had a bright red swelling of about 2cm on his rib and all the skin around it was very sticky and puckered. I was immediately concerned because it had appeared overnight so I rang the Vets to make an appointment for later that evening. As I was on the telephone I touched it gingerly and Tony said: “It obviously isn’t hurting him”. For the rest of the day I was spoiling him ~ even more than usual ~ and feeding him tidbits by hand.

After tea (and Ralph had eaten all my chicken) just before we left for the Vets, I was laid on the floor on my tummy as Tony was rubbing some moisturiser into my feet. Now Ralph’s very jealous so as soon as I laid down he did what he usually does ~ stood straight in front of my face and pressed his side into me.

I thought to myself; “That smells peculiar” and upon further investigation into the very sore looking raised red area I discovered that his life-threatening swelling (that had caused us a day of anxiety) was in fact…a piece of cherry flavoured Tune sweet! How glad I was that I hadn’t gone to the expense of having the Vet putting him under anaesthetic then doing a biopsy on it. I’d have felt even more foolish then.

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Deev’s Autobiography

Our son David (nicknamed Deev but we can’t remember why) had to write an autobiography at the first term of his new school. He wrote just a few sentences then finished it off by writing; “If you want to know anything else about me, buy a copy of my Mum’s book from the Co-op for £2.99”!

Book Excerpts Book; 3

The Sound Of Music, Re-Visited

When Tony was made redundant money was extremely tight and Rebecca bought a letter from school asking for a ‘Viking Costume’. My heart sank as I considered the unnecessary expense for one day. Whilst having a wash I wondered if I could possibly utilise anything I had already had ~ to save some money? I sewed my best Dralon bathroom curtains together to make her a dress, used the tie-backs as a belt and the fringing for a headdress. Rebecca even got a prize for the most original costume. Julie Andrews, eat your heart out.

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Time I Grew Up?

We go to the Theatre Royal in Nottingham most Monday nights and we used to park the far side of Nottingham University. To get back to the car we had to walk down South Sherwood Street and there is a wall about two feet high which I used to like to walk on. All my life I’ve been of a nervous disposition and paranoid about safety so naturally, I’d hold my Dad’s hand.

One night I was walking on the wall going down the street and another girl was walking on the wall coming up in the opposite direction. I jumped off so that she and her Dad could get by safely. Once they had passed I jumped back on.

My Dad said to the other gentleman “Good evening. How old is your little girl?” to which he replied “Lucy’s six in May”.

“Lovely,” responded Dad “Yvette’s thirty-nine in December”.

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I Was A Victim Of Racial Abuse

Each January we go to the Bradford Alhambra Theatre to see their super Pantomime. As it’s such a long way we always make a day of it and Tony, Deev and my Dad like to go around the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television then we have tea and go to the Pantomime at night.

I wasn’t bothered about going around the Museum yet again so I went to Mecca Bingo for the afternoon, which is just around the corner from the Theatre. It’s in a culturally diverse area and I spent the afternoon chatting to a lovely lady called Seema.

By her name you might deduce that she wasn’t a true Yorkshire Lass.

At the end of the afternoon I won £110. Seema had also won that afternoon and I’d been quick to congratulate her.

As I turned around smiling she said to me “Bloody foreigners. Coming here and taking all our money”.

As I told her “If I’d have said that to you, I’d have been arrested by now!”

It was lovely to share that reverse joke ~ and for us both to take it in the spirit in which it was intended.

Do you think I’ll be the next Henry Kissinger? Maybe not.

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A Knock-On Effect

Our daily routine runs like clockwork. At 8am I have my breakfast and Ralph our Yorkshire Terrier stands in the window barking vociferously until our lovely Postman arrives at 8.50am. Then Ralph has a poo and settles down on the settee to snore like an asthmatic pig.

That is until the Postal Strike.

Communications Workers Union Members, not only did the country ground to a halt ~ so did Ralph’s bowels! Kindly take this into account the next time you take industrial action. Thank you.